noun | kuh·stuh·dee
Custody is like being grounded by your parents, except instead of not being able to go to the mall, you can't access your own fucking money. It's when you give up control of your crypto to some third party (like an exchange or a wallet provider) and just hope they don't pull a Mt. Gox and yeet all your funds into the shadow realm.
Example
"Not your keys, not your crypto' is the GOAT of custody advice. If you don't hold your own private keys, you're basically just letting someone else raw dog your funds."
"I learned the hard way that leaving your crypto in the custody of an exchange is like leaving your weed with the cops - you're probably never gonna see that shit again, and if you do, it might be all stomped on and sprinkled with Oregano."
"Imagine letting a boomer bank have custody of your Bitcoin. That's like letting your grandma hold onto your Juul - she's probably just gonna throw it away and tell you that 'smoking is bad for you, sweaty.' Smh."
noun | kuh·stoh·dee·uhl waa·lit
A custodial wallet is like giving your money to a crackhead and telling them to "hold it for you" - you're basically trusting someone else to keep your shit safe, even though they might be sketchy as hell. It's the crypto equivalent of letting your mom hold onto your allowance because you can't be trusted not to spend it all on Pokémon cards and Juul pods.
Example
"Using a custodial wallet is like putting your dick in a glory hole - you might get a nice surprise, but you also might get your shit chopped off by a rusty knife. Proceed with caution, my dudes."
"I lost the password to my custodial wallet and now I gotta email some random 'support' address and beg them to give me back my funny internet money. Feels bad man."
verb | krip·toh·jak·ing
Cryptojacking is the digital equivalent of someone breaking into your house, stealing your computer, and then using it to mine Dogecoin while you're not looking. It's a sneaky little trick that hackers use to make money off of your hardware without your knowledge or consent.
Example
"Cryptojacking is like a digital STD - you can get it from visiting sketchy websites, downloading shady software, or clicking on weird links in your DMs. And once you've got it, it's a bitch to get rid of."
"I secretly installed cryptojacking software on my ex-girlfriend's computer as revenge for dumping me. Now every time she logs on to Facebook, she's actually mining Monero for my personal gain. Get rekt, Jessica!"
noun | krip·taw·gruh·fee
Cryptography is like the black magic of the internet - it's what keeps your darkest secrets and most shameful browser histories safe from prying eyes. It's a mysterious art that involves a lot of math, a lot of jargon, and a lot of nerds arguing about the best way to encrypt a dick pic.
Example
"Cryptography is like a chastity belt for your data - it keeps everything locked up tight and makes sure no one can get in without your permission (or a really big pair of bolt cutters)."
"I once used cryptography to encrypt a love letter to my ex-girlfriend. Then I realized I forgot the decryption key and now I'll never know what I wrote. Probably for the best, tbh."
noun | krip·toh·kur·uhn·see iks·cheynj
A cryptocurrency exchange is like a seedy back-alley marketplace, except instead of counterfeit handbags and bootleg DVDs, it's where you go to buy and sell fake internet money. It's a place where degenerate gamblers and wannabe Wolf of Wall Street types congregate to engage in high-stakes trading and shitposting.
Example
"Cryptocurrency exchanges are like the Wild West of finance - there's no law, no order, and the only thing that matters is how fast you can click the 'BUY' button when Elon Musk tweets about Dogecoin."
"I lost my entire life savings on a cryptocurrency exchange when I accidentally fat-fingered an order and bought 10,000 units of some random shitcoin called 'CumRocket.' On the bright side, I'm now the proud owner of 10,000 virtual dildos. So, uh... anyone wanna trade?"
noun | krip·toh proh·tuh·kawl
A crypto protocol is like a secret handshake that lets you join the cool kids club of decentralized finance. It's a set of rules and standards that govern how a particular cryptocurrency or blockchain application works, kind of like the Bro Code but for nerds.
Example
"I spent all weekend reading the whitepaper for this new crypto protocol and I still have no idea what the fuck it does. But the logo is cool and the founder has 'Crypto' in his Twitter name, so it must be legit, right?"
"I met a guy at a party who wouldn't shut up about his favorite crypto protocol. I think it was called 'SmartChain' or 'SuperBlock' or something. I don't know, I stopped listening after the third time he used the word 'synergy.'"
noun | krip·toh ee·tee·efs
Crypto ETFs are like the training wheels of the crypto world - they let you ride the wave of digital assets without having to worry about things like private keys, hardware wallets, or accidentally sending your life savings to the wrong address. They're the perfect investment vehicle for people who want to get in on the action but don't want to get their hands dirty (or their funds lost in the void).
Example
"I put all my money in a Crypto ETF because I'm too lazy to do my own research and too scared to hold my own keys. It's like having a personal assistant for your investments, except they take a cut of your profits and don't even bring you coffee."
"Crypto ETFs are like the McDonald's of the finance world - they're not the best quality, but they're convenient, easy to understand, and available to the masses. Plus, they'll probably give you indigestion and make you question your life choices."
"I tried to impress my Tinder date by telling her about my Crypto ETF investments, but she just looked at me like I was a boomer and then started talking about DeFi yield farming. I guess I'm not as cool as I thought I was. :("
